mordechai | 001. open post // quiet little burials.

[ Perhaps at a younger time, in another place, hearing those words from you would have been unsettling. In some ways, it still is: you're such an immovable force, Alistair. Growing up with you in the general vicinity of her life has made that both incredibly reassuring and intimidating because the bar you set was something to strive for.

Seeing you like this now, hearing those words, being certain of at the very least half of the cause -- she leans back quietly into her seat, cradling the bottle between he hands. ]

That's okay.

[ What was that thing she read from an online comic once? 'Love is hard. And nobody understands.'

She won't profess to know what's on your mind beyond the young man who'd changed her life in ways and became her friend without likely meaning to. A boy you love. Who is also marrying someone else, when this campaign is over. ]

Is it, though?

[ Is it really?

The most terrible thing about him asking you that is that he's REALLY asking. You'd have to be blind in order to not see the mix of raw emotion behind his eyes or the shadows on his face when he turns to you.

Rare is the occasion that this one doesn't know what to do, how to feel, or where to place himself --

-- or it WAS rare for a long time. Maybe he never really HAS gotten better. Maybe he's still that same fucking idiot who chooses to fight for the wrong things or for the wrong side or cause, and ends up spending centuries paying for his mistakes and destroying lives in the process. ]

Edited 2015-03-03 06:27 (UTC)

[ Oh, Alistair.

It is a funny thing to see a person you have always somehow looked up to, look back at you like he's at a total and utter loss. 'Unsure' and 'unsteady' are not words she has ever associated with Alistair Mordechai. 'Reliable' and 'confident', are. You are the man who gets the job done. It's why you and Hikaru were the power couple of 2012.

She reaches out to set her hand over yours; tentative, gentle. Even if she isn't entirely sure if she can provide what it is you might need. It is easier to just be among the likes of Aidan Clayce, who she views like a father; or Hikaru, who she has always considered an elder brother figure and friend.

You... you were the one who set the bar to be better. To accept no excuses, because if something had to be done, it had to be done. ]

It will be? [ She says that softly, her tone nowhere near as certain as she'd like it to be. But maybe that's okay? ]

Sometimes, that's the most anyone can hope for.

[ As invincible as you allow yourself to appear, as larger than life as you can be as one of the pillars of Netsach and Zangyaku -- you still bleed, your bones still break, your feelings occasionally bruise. ]

[ You'll have to excuse the way he ends up staring down hard at the hand that you've got over his, like he's not sure what he's seeing at all. At least he isn't moving away, even if he's tense as hell. ]

Maybe...

[ Trailing off, sighing, starting again. ]

Maybe I really shouldn't BE okay. I don't think I deserve to be, at any rate.

[ So that just means that he'll have to suck up and deal during moments like this. ]

Edited 2015-03-03 09:28 (UTC)

[ Her fingers squeeze around your hand in response to that, and then she's backing off and giving you room out of years and years of respect.

If this were her and Hikaru she'd coax the feelings out, offer that no one need ever know that the exchange ever happened and then feed him whatever she had on hand. You aren't Hikaru though, and she confesses she's not sure if gentle and soothing words are the right thing to use because gentle and soothing are not your modus operandi.

So the blunt route it is. And if it all goes south, well, she will hold to the friendship that's grown between you both. ]

He's marrying someone else, Alistair. I think that's a pretty reasonable thing to not be okay about.

[ For the life of her, the method of coping might change, but it seems like the standard trend among you Kings is that you all don't deserve good things. ]

[ And there's the rub, isn't it? That it doesn't matter that you already know, that you've told yourself the same damned thing a thousand times and then some. Once you hear it from someone else, it just feels so final. Then, once it's final, everything starts breaking apart, and all you can do is watch the sky of your world come tumbling down.

Was that him laughing just now? It came out too soft, too pitiful, too weak and too hurt to belong to him. He is not any of that. He should be, at any rate. ]

It's terrible, really. Guess a part of me refused to believe that it'd actually happen, even when I was helping that kid out.

[ It is arrogant and wrong and selfish, and he knows it. ]

[ It's arrogant, wrong and selfish -- and it only means that you're a human being ( fixed point privileges notwithstanding ) with human emotions and even more human failings.

It does not, she believes truly, make you a bad person. It just is. ]

You've loved Hikaru for a long time, Alistair. And that love was returned. It's only natural for you to feel shitty because it won't be you at that altar saying those vows.

[ Here, good sir, have a cigarette from her pack. Have her lighter as well. ]

[ He'll take that. A part of him is relieved to know that he can fumble with it, fail to light up properly, take a drag and sound a bit like he's sighing it out, and you won't think any less of him for it.

You've come a long, long way, girl. He'll never really say it, but he trusts you. He knows that you've got his back. You will, all the way until inevitably, he buries you, and keeps on walking with the few who will be alive as long as he will. ]

Maybe I should have said that more often, you know? [ Soft, remorseful. ] That I love him.

[ Because it has never been past tense. ]

Maybe, if I had...

[ If he hadn't been so fucking stupid, or proud, or worried about the wrong things, then...

Then. ]

[ She turns her eyes away the moment you fumble with that lighter, on the pretense of sipping from her own drink. She knows she doesn't have to, but little things add up. Besides, it's her way, giving you what room she can. ]

Maybe can be a bitch. [ She says that softly as she looks down at her bottle. ] And she'll dog your heels if you let her.

[ Looking up now, lips still with a small, sad smile of her own topped by the tiny shrug of her shoulders. There are things she could say: like how she's about a good percentage sure that you still have a shot, whenever that happens, but she won't offer you empty words and a fool's comfort. She's not psychic, and she doesn't have a line to the future. ]

It'll be okay, Alistair. [ Her voice dips. ] Maybe not tomorrow, or in a week. Or for a while.

But eventually, it will be okay.

[ And there's the rub, isn't it? He knows it'll be okay. He knows things will work out, that what is is best, that everything happens for a reason and you won't always end up seeing the reason for a long time or maybe even never.

He knows. It still hurts.

Taking another drag from his cigarette now. He's even shakier on the exhale than he was a few moments previous. ]

I don't think I should have signed up for this shit.

[ You are welcome to ask him what, precisely, he's referring to. ]

[ She's watching you without necessarily watching you. Funny how scent and hearing can do just as well as the eyes when you know what to look out for. It's that exhale, the change in your body's chemistry, the word choice and the tone change. ]

Which part?

[ That's all she says. There tends to be a lot of shit in one's life that a body gets into without necessarily thinking it's shit in the first place. ]

This entire [ goddamned ] operation.

[ Time for more beer.

It doesn't make things even marginally better, but booze tends to work pretty slowly on him, if it even manages to work at all. ]

Can't wallow in self-pity if I've got no time to think.

[ That was an attempt at a joke by the way.

Ha ha ha. ]

001. open post // quiet little burials.

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