mordechai | 001. open post // quiet little burials.

[ And there's the rub, isn't it? That it doesn't matter that you already know, that you've told yourself the same damned thing a thousand times and then some. Once you hear it from someone else, it just feels so final. Then, once it's final, everything starts breaking apart, and all you can do is watch the sky of your world come tumbling down.

Was that him laughing just now? It came out too soft, too pitiful, too weak and too hurt to belong to him. He is not any of that. He should be, at any rate. ]

It's terrible, really. Guess a part of me refused to believe that it'd actually happen, even when I was helping that kid out.

[ It is arrogant and wrong and selfish, and he knows it. ]

[ It's arrogant, wrong and selfish -- and it only means that you're a human being ( fixed point privileges notwithstanding ) with human emotions and even more human failings.

It does not, she believes truly, make you a bad person. It just is. ]

You've loved Hikaru for a long time, Alistair. And that love was returned. It's only natural for you to feel shitty because it won't be you at that altar saying those vows.

[ Here, good sir, have a cigarette from her pack. Have her lighter as well. ]

[ He'll take that. A part of him is relieved to know that he can fumble with it, fail to light up properly, take a drag and sound a bit like he's sighing it out, and you won't think any less of him for it.

You've come a long, long way, girl. He'll never really say it, but he trusts you. He knows that you've got his back. You will, all the way until inevitably, he buries you, and keeps on walking with the few who will be alive as long as he will. ]

Maybe I should have said that more often, you know? [ Soft, remorseful. ] That I love him.

[ Because it has never been past tense. ]

Maybe, if I had...

[ If he hadn't been so fucking stupid, or proud, or worried about the wrong things, then...

Then. ]

[ She turns her eyes away the moment you fumble with that lighter, on the pretense of sipping from her own drink. She knows she doesn't have to, but little things add up. Besides, it's her way, giving you what room she can. ]

Maybe can be a bitch. [ She says that softly as she looks down at her bottle. ] And she'll dog your heels if you let her.

[ Looking up now, lips still with a small, sad smile of her own topped by the tiny shrug of her shoulders. There are things she could say: like how she's about a good percentage sure that you still have a shot, whenever that happens, but she won't offer you empty words and a fool's comfort. She's not psychic, and she doesn't have a line to the future. ]

It'll be okay, Alistair. [ Her voice dips. ] Maybe not tomorrow, or in a week. Or for a while.

But eventually, it will be okay.

[ And there's the rub, isn't it? He knows it'll be okay. He knows things will work out, that what is is best, that everything happens for a reason and you won't always end up seeing the reason for a long time or maybe even never.

He knows. It still hurts.

Taking another drag from his cigarette now. He's even shakier on the exhale than he was a few moments previous. ]

I don't think I should have signed up for this shit.

[ You are welcome to ask him what, precisely, he's referring to. ]

[ She's watching you without necessarily watching you. Funny how scent and hearing can do just as well as the eyes when you know what to look out for. It's that exhale, the change in your body's chemistry, the word choice and the tone change. ]

Which part?

[ That's all she says. There tends to be a lot of shit in one's life that a body gets into without necessarily thinking it's shit in the first place. ]

This entire [ goddamned ] operation.

[ Time for more beer.

It doesn't make things even marginally better, but booze tends to work pretty slowly on him, if it even manages to work at all. ]

Can't wallow in self-pity if I've got no time to think.

[ That was an attempt at a joke by the way.

Ha ha ha. ]

001. open post // quiet little burials.

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